Goldfish

A short vacation in 2003. My achan’s bank job takes him all over India, while I’ve grown up firmly rooted in my hometown. That particular vacation, we were spending a week with him in Mumbai, where he was posted at the moment. Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix had been released, but I hadn’t got a copy of the book yet. When we had just 2.5 days left in Mumbai, I came to know that the people in our neighboring flat had a copy of the book. I could borrow it, but I had to return it before I left. I got the book, stayed up way past my bedtime, reading all night and all day, till it was completed. The Book came with me everywhere, including the dining table. I was able to return the book, completely read, ahead of the deadline. The consequence being that I came down with an eye allergy/infection that had my eyes all red and watery for the next few days. When I think back on that incident, I am filled with jealousy and wonder. How did I manage to stick to one task for so long, without complaint, and in absolute enjoyment?

These days, nothing can hold my attention. I try to focus on one task, but my brain is running a million little apps in the background. My phone is constantly spewing out notifications, and I can’t help clicking. I see Instagram posts, Facebook posts, blogs- and I, a self proclaimed avid reader, am ashamed to admit that I find it difficult to complete what I am reading. Nothing interests me anymore. While reading an article, I am thinking about this new song I should be listening to. I reach halfway into the song, and I remember a Netflix series I’ve left midway, and should get to completing. Watching the series, I remember that I’ve still not unpacked my bag pack from the last trip.My life is turning into a series of unfinished tasks, each that I do a little bit of, and then run off, to do a little bit of a new task,that will proudly soon join the list of unfinished tasks.

I purchased a copy of Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” today. That is a book that I’ve been looking forward to reading for the longest time. I got the book, settled down on my bed, and found myself absentmindedly cranking up the music on my phone, and reaching into a packet of chips to munch on,as I read. I found that while the book is amazing, I am still distracted, changing the background music every few minutes. The munching on chips is getting me thirsty,and I have to get up for a drink of water. A few more pages in, and I am craving chocolate- entailing a trip to the fridge. I come back, stuffing my face in with chocolate, and realize I can’t pick up the book yet, I’ve to wash my hands first. Suddenly the reader in me is screaming- “God! Can’t you sit still and read a book for 5 minutes? What are you, a goldfish?” I am shook. That is, in fact, exactly what I’ve turned into. A goldfish- with an attention span of less than 5 minutes.

I can’t exactly pinpoint how this happened. At one point in my life, I was a little girl, very driven and very dedicated. Nothing and no one could stand in my way, because I never quit, and I certainly never left any task unfinished- regardless of whether it was my homework, an assignment, reading a book, or painting a picture. Now I am in the middle of my 20s, constantly busy, never getting a single thing done. I listen to one or two motivational speeches on YouTube, and I am turbo charged, for the next 20 minutes. I read a motivational blog post, and I am like, “hell yeah, relatable, I’ve understood everything, I am going to turn my life around.” These bursts of motivation never last though. I find myself back at square one, whiling away my time, getting increasingly lazy by the minute.

Today, I read a quote, that can potentially change my life- “We don’t rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of our training.” What is the one thing that I had 20 years ago, that I lack now? A routine. When you are a small child, there is a strict routine that you’re expected to follow- a particular bed time, a time to do homework, a time to play, a time to eat etc.That is what grounded me back then- all my tasks got done, because they were slotted in. I didn’t just go ahead and do whatever “I feel in the mood for.” I did what had to be done. I immediately went ahead, and set the life changing quote as my Whatsapp status, because what better way to show our commitment to something than post it on social media?

I’ve once taken a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test, that slotted my personality as an “ENFP.” I went ahead and read many articles on the subject, one of which compared ENFPs to goldfishes. Okay, so I might always be a goldfish, but I hope I get to evolve into a better kind of goldfish,with a higher attention span. I’ve this whole childhood history of pretending to be a Pokemon trainer, and wandering around the fields near my home, “looking for wild Pokemon.” I hope I get my Pokemon moment this year, when I evolve from a Magikarp to a Gyarados.

Cheers,

Aparna